Bad News From Up North

Cracked Pots

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots; each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"

"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

And send this to any or all of your Crackpot friends within 5 minutes and see what happens! Don't forget the Crackpot that sent it to you!

A Dog of a President

God Created Canada...

Finally a joke that explains what it's like to be Canadian...

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a d eep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth,

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot s pot.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth.

There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.

I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."

PASS THIS ON IF YOU ARE CANADIAN!!!!!!!

Galactic Fairy Tale

Galactic Fairy Tale
by Michael Lightweaver

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away there were all of these little light beings just hanging out enjoying life in that joyful & timeless dimension. And then one day a very large, magnificent angel came to them. He had a very serious look on his face. He was looking for volunteers for a very important cosmic mission.

"We have this small - but very special - planet out at the edge of the Alcyon galaxy called Gaia. It is quite unique like a beautiful garden and it is teeming with hundreds of thousands of different life forms. It has been something of an experimental station in the galaxy and it has a most interesting humanoid life form that incorporates the very highest and lowest frequencies known in the cosmos. It is in fact the very epitome of dualism. On the one hand it is an incredibly beautiful life form and is capable of carrying the highest frequencies of love, light & joy known throughout the whole Universe. On the other hand it is capable of carrying the densest and darkest frequencies the cosmos has ever experienced - frequencies which the rest of creation evolved beyond eons ago.

Here is the current situation. Within the domain of time, this planet goes through periodic cosmic cycles. It is now coming to the end of two major cycles - a 2,000 year long age of Pisces and the 25,000 year long cosmic year in its journey around Alcyon, the central sun of the milky way galaxy.

With the completion of this cycle, many things are coming to an end and many things are about to begin. But most importantly, the planet is experiencing an infusion of light that is dramatically increasing it's frequency. As during any major time of transition, there will be a certain amount of turbulence. Some of this will be geological, for Gaia herself is a living planet and is also evolving. But much of it also involves the hominoid species that dominates the planet.

This will not be a particularly easy time for the species - especially for those who are sleeping and those who are vibrating at the lowest frequencies. As the frequency changes it will create insecurity which in turn will create fear.

The first era of evolution on this planet was the physical era and the key word was survival. The second era, which is now ending, was the mental era and the key word was logic. The third era, which is now beginning, is the era of the heart and the key word is love. This is the highest frequency.

Those who currently hold the reign of power on the planet are of the old order of the physical & mental. To the extent that they can make a graceful transition to a heart centered and divinely guided life, it will be an easy transition. To the extent that they are unable to do this, they will experience much turmoil.

So this is the current situation of Gaia. The reason I am here is to seek volunteers who would be willing to incarnate in humanoid form on the planet at this time to help make this an easy and smooth transition. We have sent prophets and teachers in the past. Very often they were brutally persecuted o r killed. In other instances they were set up as "gods" to be worshiped and these humanoids built elaborate religions and rituals around them and used these religions to control each other. They did everything except follow the simple teachings that were offered.

So this time we are trying a different approach. No more prophets, saviors & avatars that they can use to create religions. This time we are sending in thousands - actually hundreds of thousands - of ordinary light beings with only two assignments:

1) Stay in your heart. Regardless of what happens, stay in your heart.

2) Remember who you are, why you are here and what this is all about.

Now that seems easy enough, right? Unfortunately, No! As I have said, duality has reached its peak on this planet. This species has perfected the illusion of good and evil. The greatest challenge you will experience is to remember Who You Really Are, Why You Are Here and What This Is Really All About. When you remember, you will be ale to stay in your heart, regardless of external events.

So how will you know when you are forgetting? It is easy. Watch your judgments. The moment you notice that you are in a place of judgment you will know that you have forgotten Who You Really Are, Why You Are Here and What This Is Really All About. That will be your signal.

Now here is the challenge. Life on this planet will require a great deal of discernment - wise evaluation of what is true, what is appropriate and what is for the highest good, both for yourself and for the planet. In many ways discernment is similar to judgment. However, you will know when you are in judgment and when you have moved out of your heart when you are in a place of blame.

We know how challenging that this planet can be. We know how very real the illusions on this planet appear to be. We understand the incredible density of this dimension and the pressure you will face. But if you survive this mission - and it is a voluntary one - you will evolve at hyperspeed.

We also should say that we know that some of you who will go to this planet as starseeds, will never germinate - never awakened to the remembrance of who you really are. Some of you will awaken and begin to shine, only to be choked down by the opinions and prevailing thoughtforms around you. Others will awaken and remain awake and your light will become a source of inspiration and remembrance for many.

You will incarnate all over the planet; in every culture, every race, every country, every religion. But you will be different. You will never quite fit in. As you awaken you will realize that your true family isn't those of your own race, culture, religion, county or even your biological family. It is your cosmic family - those who have come as you have come - on assignment to assist in ways large and small in the current transition.

True brotherhood and globalization in its highest form will come only in remembering Who You Really Are, Why You Are Here and What This Is Really All About. It will come as you return to the true temple of Divine Presence, your heart, where this remembrance takes place and from which you are called to serve the world.

So, are your ready? Good!

Oh, and by the way, there are a couple of other minor things I should mention......

Because of the density, you can't operate in that dimension without a space suit. This is a biological suit that actually changes over time. There are many things we could tell you about this but our orientation time is short so I think you can just jump in and experience it. You should be forewarned, however. There will be a danger that if you forget who you really are, you may think you ARE your space suit instead of the fact that it is simply your vehicle in that dimension. Once there, you will notice that there is an infinite variety of space suits and a great deal of attention given to these. However, in spite of the infinite variety, because this a planet of duality, they all fall into two basic categories called 'genders.' Again, we really don't have time to go into this now. But you will find your relationship with your own space suit to be most instructive and interesting.

The other little thing is this. In order to operate in that dimension, you will also receive a microchip called a 'personality.' This is like an identity imprint that, along with your space suit, will essentially make you different from everyone else. This will allow you to participate in the hologram there - something they call 'consensus reality.' Once again, there will be a real danger that you will become so engrossed in the holographic personality dramas that you will forget who you really are and actually think that you ARE your personality. I know it sounds rather unbelievable right now, but once you get there.....

Again, there is so much more we could tell you by way of orientation, but we think you can learn the rest experientially 'on site." The only thing that is important is to remember Who You Really Are, Why You Are Here and What This Is Really All About. If you can do that, everything else will work out fine. But take note: So few really DO remember this they stand out as 'different' and others called them 'Enlightened" or 'Awakened" and similar terms. Strange isn't it?

Well, Good Luck & Bon Voyage!!!

Michael Lightweaver
PO Box 18909 Asheville, NC. 28814 (USA)
lightweave@aol.com

(feel free to copy and distribute)

Thank you Father

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mothers birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next."

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it is worth it.

What do you call a smart Blonde

A golden retriever.

What is the difference between a Harley & a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

What is the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
Men can't stand criticism.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Pepper spray will do that to you .

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Big Media Lies

RENSE.COM

The Canadian sense of humour

Westjet is an Airline with its head office situated in Calgary, Alberta. Their flight attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Westjet flight there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want. Passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
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On another Westjet flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
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"Thank you for flying Westjet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at an Alberta airport (horse country), a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a flight attendant on a Westjet flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
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From a Westjet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Westjet Flight 245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling, stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
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"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Westjet Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Westjet Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
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Heard on Westjet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt!"
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Overheard on a Westjet Airlines flight into Regina on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

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After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Westjet Airways."
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Heard on a Westjet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
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A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax .. OH, MY GOD!" …..
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

One Newfie passenger yelled, "Lard tunderin jezis bye you should see the
back of mine!"